Thursday, December 08, 2005

 
The time I met John Lennon.

I was working at a barbeque joint in Seattle and this guy walks in. He was just another guy, I didn’t know him or anything, and he asked me, in this weird, kind of short-bus voice, “What’s good, brother?”

I didn’t know how to answer those kinds of stupid questions, I still don’t, so I just said, “Pretty much everything.”

After a couple interminable minutes of this guy humming and hawing (literal vocalizations) and saying things like, “Slicing the pork, eh? Maybe the pork slices you!” and, apropos of nothing, “How do you think an inside-out cactus would feel?” he finally settles on the baby-back ribs (“I hope they’re not offa my baby! Baby!”)

“What sides would you like with that?”

“What are the choices, Finnegan?”

“We have all of them listed right up there on the wall”, I said, pointing.

“Didn’t yer mum ever tell ya’ it’s not polite to point, mate?”

I stare with my dead-eyes.

“Mine neither, Stever.”

Another couple minutes later and he settles on the baked beans and coleslaw (“The make-means and Copeland-slaw, please!”).

“Mild, Medium or Hot sauce?” I ask.

“Oh, no hot sauce.”

“It’s not hot sauce, it’s barbeque sauce. It comes in mild, medium or hot.”

“Oh, no hot sauce”, he protested.

“It’s barbeque sauce. You can get it in mild or medium if you want.”

“Not hot.”

“So mild? Medium?”

“No hot sauce”, he repeated.

“It’s not hot sauce. It’s barbeque sauce.”

“Oh. Well then, how hot’s the medium?”

“Not very hot.”

“But is it hot?”

“I don’t know if you’ll think it’s hot. ‘Hot’ is a relative term. If you’re really sensitive then you might think it’s hot. Most people don’t find it very hot, though.”

“But I don’t want hot sauce”, he told me. Again.

“So Mild, then”, I squeezed out of my rage-contracted lungs.

“Well how hot’s a mild hot sauce, brother? I mean, can you even call a hot sauce mild? Seems rooty-tin fruity ta’ me, mate.”

A moment passed as this pale, stove-pipe hatted (did I mention he was wearing a stove-pipe hat?), thick-glasses wearing, long velvet coat havin’ apparent retard and myself locked stares across a 2 foot icy abyss of countertop filled with chile fixins, hot sauce, cactus refrigerator magnets (Oh! That’s where the cactus comment came from), and laminated menus. I looked deep into his brown eyes, searching for a spark of humanity, or suffering, or intelligence; something that would make me think twice about leaping over the counter and crushing his bony nose with my fist then boot. Somewhere off in the background, probably the kitchen now that I think about it, a Bob Willis and the Texas Playboys song played. Something to do with the range and the cattle.

“I love this old hangy-bangy American music. It’s like the church choir got to the drink!” he popped, slicing through the tension.

“The mild barbeque sauce will be in a separate cup. If you don’t like it you don’t have to use it.”

The bastard ate, happily. He came up halfway through his meal and said he wanted to try the medium hot-sauce, because the mild hot-sauce wasn’t very hot and it was “queer” that we called it “hot-sauce” at all. Then he stepped outside and got shot.

Well actually, that would have been very dramatic but really he stepped outside and got into a cab. But this was just about a week before he died. When I heard he got shot, this is after I learned who he was, I wasn’t sad or anything, even though I was a fan, because I was still mad about the whole hot-sauce thing. To this day when I think about it I get so angry.

Anyway, after he left the cook comes over and says, “Jesus Christ! Did you know who that is?”

“Do you know who that was?” I corrected, as far as I know.

“That was fucking John Lennon, man.”

“Oh shit! The Beatles!”

“Yeah. What did you say to him? What did he say?”

“He… he said…”

“Yeah? What?”

“He said, ‘What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding’?”

“Wow. Wise man.”

“Yeah. Truly.”

Lucky for me the cook didn’t know that’s an Elvis Costello song.

I couldn’t break it to him his idol was just another slag who couldn’t manage to order a freaking rib-platter despite stereoscopic vision and an apparent grasp of human abstractions. The legend is perhaps better than the man, after-all. I mean, I didn’t mention this before but he had a big brooch on his jacket, about 5 inches across, that spelled “Elvis” in diamonds. What up with that?

Years later, while thumbing through Newsweek, I learned he wrote a song about our meeting. It was an old interview reprinted, and he was describing exactly our meeting in a Seattle “rib-joint” and how the back-and-forth inspired him to write a song. There it was, in such detail it could have only been me: Seattle. Baby-back ribs. Cactus magnets. Baked-beans and coleslaw. Mild hot-sauce. (The only thing different is he made me black, but I’d chalk that up to artistic license)

I had inspired a John Lennon song. Amazing. And to think I would have stabbed him in the belly given a chance.

The song came too late to be on Double Fantasy and was supposed to go on Milk and Honey. Of course John died so Yoko was left to finish the album, and she didn’t like the song so it didn’t make it there, either. I keep waiting to see it on a compilation. It’s called “Hot Mustard Man.”

Yeah. I don’t get it either.

R.I.P, Johnny boy.
posted by Tim 6:00 PM

Friday, October 21, 2005

 
Is this some kind of a fucking joke? Is this 2002?

Bush Calls for U.N. Action Against Syria.

President Bush on Friday said the U.N. should deal quickly and seriously with a report implicating Syria in the assassination of Lebanon's former prime minister, a killing that led to protests and withdrawal of Syrian troops from Lebanon after nearly 30 years as overlord.

"The report strongly suggests that the politically motivated assassination could not have taken place without Syrian involvement," Bush said.

I got a report for you, asshole... The last 4 fucking years!

"Today a serious report came out that requires the world to look at very carefully and respond accordingly," Bush said.
...
The Security Council, which can impose political and economic sanctions, was already scheduled to meet next Tuesday to consider the report from German prosecutor Detlev Mehlis. The U.S. mission said Friday it had no plans to call for an earlier meeting time.

Separately, the U.N. will soon receive another report on Syrian compliance with last year's U.N. demand that it quit Lebanon and allow political self-determination there.

Rice, on a trip to Tuscaloosa, Ala., said, "Accountability is going to be very important for the international community."

Rice and British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, with whom she was traveling, called on Syria to show good will toward Lebanon by establishing diplomatic relations with the country. Syria must "fully understand" that it must not intervene in Lebanon and must respect its sovereignty, Rice said at a joint news conference.

Rice gave no hint what plans the United States has for a Security Council meeting on Syria. The issue must be thoroughly debated, she said.

The council "will have no real credibility if it does not take seriously the implications of this report," Rice said.

Accountability? Credibility? Jesus christ, are you kidding me?

Bush and Rice talking about accountability and credibility? That's like Jessica Simpson talking about her muse.

Ba-zing.

Why doesn't everyone laugh at these people? Why doesn't the UN just sit back and fucking guffah and say "OK, OK, seriously. Let's talk serious about this. We appreciate the comic relief, US, but we need to get serious".

"We are serious! Accountability! Credibility!"

"Hahahahahaha!!! OK, OK. Enough. Sit down you assholes."

Jesus Christ. It's like living in a cheap joke shop.
posted by Tim 9:36 PM

Saturday, October 01, 2005

 
Ahem...

FUCK YOU JUDITH MILLER.

That is all.
posted by Tim 10:51 AM

Thursday, September 29, 2005

 
The documentary is done.

Three people generously gave me some dough way back when and I've tried to contact all of them but have only hear back from one. If you were one of the two other people, email me and let me know your address. I want to send you a copy.
posted by Tim 5:58 PM

Friday, September 09, 2005

 
I want to cry.

I'm a terrible blogger and no one reads it anyway so I stopped writing, but mostly because it became so pointless. Every day, every single day some new bit of policy, some new line of rhetoric, some new occurance that effects the whole country in some way and it's complete shit and spawned from the minds of insane, corrupt, evil men. It gets tiring.

"Oh, Cheney ate the heart of a child on TV to illustrate how we need to change social security? Gee, big surprise."

What's the point? Everything the Bush administration does is the worst thing they could do, I mainly just used this sucker to blow off steam, I ran out of steam.

And now we have, again, another tragedy that reeks of opportunity. We're going to waste it. We're not going to take this chance at self-reflection and learn anything about how this nation treats its poor and helpless or how we've been fucking black people for a couple hundred years now non-stop. We're not going to look at our tendency to be short-sighted when it comes to infrastructure, both human and physical, and we're not going to wake up to Republicans' incredible abililty to be extremely far-sighted when it comes to ruining the planet. We're not going to realize, finally, that president Bush is a complete fuck and his administration is a bucket of fuck.

Nope, we're going to give some money, feel good for a while, then we're going to vote Republican and let them do whatever they want to do. And lock the gates. Because there's poor black people out there.

We are the stupidest population on the planet. I'm really starting to just hate this country. Well, I do hate 30% of it (Bush's base- Fuck you!), and another 30% I'm sick of (the disinterested masses - Pull your head out! And Fuck You too!), and then there's my neighbors (jesus fucking christ! Learn how to drive and turn down your fucking music!), but that' about it. I still like the land, and about 30-40% of the population so... god what's my point? Bush, if you really think about it, is the perfect presidennt for this country. He's as crepulant as his base and as disinterested at the next 30%.

We're fucked. Say hello to president Frist M.D.!
posted by Tim 8:36 PM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

 
What follows is some notes, bits of dialogue, etc., for a video I was noodling around with, thinking of doing. I worked on this at work and had no way to get it home so I posted it here as a draft months ago. I forgot it was here. Anyway, it's just kind of funny because I fogot it was here and when I first read it I didn't remember for a minute and thought someone learned my pass word.

Yeah, not that funny.

___________________________________________________________________________________

What do we got here?

Caucasian male, dead. About 25 years old or so. Got his wallet, but no ID.

(looks at wallet)
Bank of America sucks. So that's a carrot up his ass?

Yeah.

Alright, start dusting this place.

Sir, we found a bag of white powder, this might be drug related.

Well whooppee. Do I look like narcotics to you? My jurisdiction begins and ends with that carrot penetrating that mans asshole.

Sir! Come here! This isn't a carrot at all! It's a parsnip!

What kind of sick fuck are we dealing with here?

----------

(chief)
Any leads on the vegtable ass murders?

Not yet. Just to clarify though, they didn't die from vegtables up the ass, that's just the pervert's calling card.

How'd they all die?

What do I look like, homocide?

Sorry. Now listen Jim, I've always enjoyed good relations with you, so you know you're the only man I trust to deflower my daughter.

sigh.

You've put off the wedding twice now, you-

But I'm this close to cracking the case!

You better not back out again! I don't care if a giant pussy attacks the mayor and you're the only cop who can save him, you're marrying my daughter this Saturday!

A giant pussy sure would make my career.

I'm giving you a partner.

What?!

My theory is a naive young recruit will keep you in line.

I work alone!

Meet James Swenson.

Hi.

Shit.

I studied your case of the seven dildos in school.

Shit.

--------------

(stake out)
______________
posted by Tim 2:34 PM

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

 
Party people

Don't go broke. Dem bankruptcy rules will land you in debtor's prison with Mr. Bartleby and Uriah Heep or whatever.

Naw I'm not dead.

Didn't make the Groundlings cut. theey said my writing was really good and unique but my performance just wasn't up to par. I knew that. I was told that 2 years ago by another teacher. Basicallt I know nothing about acting. Part of it is simply the technical aspects- stage work- and the other part is just simply actor's training. If I would have been taking an acting class for the last year I would have probably gotten in. It's just too damn expensive though. It starts aroud $150 a month at least. Average is $250 a month. That's crazy.

Anyhoo... Man this country is something, isn't it? We're so very fucked.

I upgraded my harddrive so I have more room now. That means I'll be able to get started on finishing that documentary a couple readers way back chipped in money for. It's coming. For real.

Go read The Poorman. He's great. His new look sucks but he's great.
posted by Tim 8:41 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2005

 
Yawn...

Oh man... this is what it's like to see your world crumble before you. I wonder if the Romans ever sat up and said, "Hey. We're really falling here, ja notice? You know, we all rose up and shit for a long time... man it's just been going downhill. I think this is it."

I probably look like a stupid ass to some history buff. Pliny probably wrote that exact thing and I just don't know it. But he wrote in Latin, thhat's the difference.

We're doomed. Got it? Doomed.

So I'm taking classes at the world-famous Groundlings school and it's going really well. I'm in the level of class where if you don't pass you get kicked out of the program entirely. I've been on a waiting list for 2 years for this class. Know what? I'm not putting in that much effort. It's past my bedtime and if I'm going to be typing I should be working on my monologues but instead I'm doing this bullshit. I've spent over... $2000 on classes there. Seriously. You'd think I'd seriously apply myself. I think it's because I'm doing really well in comparison to the rest of the class, I think. Like out of the 10 people I'm in the top 3, I'd say. I know you can't tell from this blog, this ain't my medium and I don't have a suitable voice here, but I'm a pretty clever fucker.

So anyway, I feel comfortable and I'm just takin' it easy. I went in deciding I wasn't going to move on to the next class anyway (it's very hard to advance), so don't sweat it and just have fun. Well, now that I'm doing well I'm starting to think maybe I could make it, which I don't want to think cuz once I start focusing on the goal rather than the process I'm screwed and won't make it anyway. That's what folks call a catch-22.

I'd just like to be in a troupe. I've tried to put one together before but all I got was a bunch of old assholes who never wrote any material and just shit all over mine. Maybe me and some of the folks from my class will band together and be a troupe. The thing is... I'm really squeamish. When someone kind of makes me uncomfortable, I just can't deal with them at all. There's a couple people in the class I just could not work with and I'm afraid if we tried troupin' up I'd just-

I'm gonna stop writing, I'm boring the shit out of myself, to tell you the truth. I'm just burning off some energy before I hit the sack. Did you know my bed folds down from my wall and that I made the whole thing by myself? Yep, I made myself a mmurphy bed. I'm a fucking rennysauce man.


posted by Tim 10:13 PM

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

 
Impeach the motherfucker!

The White House acknowledged Wednesday that its hunt for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction — a two-year search costing millions of dollars — has closed down without finding the stockpiles that President Bush cited as a justification for overthrowing Saddam Hussein. Bush's spokesman said the president had no regrets about invading Iraq "Based on what we know today, the president would have taken the same action because this is about protecting the American people," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

What does that fucking MEAN?!? "This is about protecting the American people". What the fuck?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Protecting us from what? WHAT? Tell me what the fuck we've been protected from by spending millions and sending thousands to their graves. Tell me what the fuck we were being protected from.

Duelfer said then that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction and had not made any since 1991. However, he said the government harbored intentions of recreating its weapons programs and had gone to great lengths to manipulate the U.N. oil-for-food program.

Harbored intentions.

Fucking impeach the president. Someone in the senate or congress needs to sacrifice their career by going full bore to impeach this fucking slug.

In an interview Wednesday with Barbara Walters of ABC News, Bush defended his decision to invade Iraq.

"I felt like we'd find weapons of mass destruction — like many here in the United States, many around the world," Bush said in the interview, to be broadcast Friday night. "We need to find out what went wrong in the intelligence gathering. ... Saddam was dangerous and the world is safer without him in power."

I fucking hate you. I. Fucking. Hate. You.

Here's a newsflash, asshole, I knew there were no stockpiles of weapons in Iraq. Me. A dumb fuck who doesn't have a vast intelligence network at his command. I knew and most of the rest of the world knew. How did we know? Because everyone in the world who would know whether or not they had weapons said they didn't have any fucking weapons. You didn't get bad intelligence, you forced bad intelligence, you fucking pig. And you know it. You've known it this whole time. Either that or you are the stupidest, most incompotent man on the fucking planet.

We're losing our capacity to assess reality in this country. Someone all smart and famous said something like if you can get people to think absurd thoughts, you can get them to do anything. Well half this country is out of their fucking minds. Completely and utterly delusional. We are on the brink of something very, very bad. We're not the good guys anymore, not by a fucking long shot. Why the fuck can't we, as a nation, look at the fucking evidence staring back at us like a brown eye and say "we really, really fucked up by electing this prick again. We were really, really stupid when we put our heads in the sand and played along. We need out ass kicked."

Because we do. Hard.

On the local news teaser they were saying something about the hunt being officially over with no WMDs found and said "so what happened to them?"

They never existed, the whole world knows this, and we still pretend, en masse, that it was an honest fuck up and no one should feel bad especially not the president who really, gosh durn it, tries his dardest to do what's right, but he makes tough decisions and give him a break cuz it's hard work, ya'll.

Right now I fucking hate this country. I mean it. Fuck you USA- a bunch of stupid redneck jesus fetishists is all you are. We're doomed. I mean it. 50 years you're gonna either fucking hate this country, be too fucking poor to do anything about hating it, or be an insane citizen stomping fags and burning jews who won't convert. I'm starting my own fucking country "USAisFUCKEDistan".

Fuck this shit.


posted by Tim 9:05 PM

Thursday, January 06, 2005

 
How much you want to bet...

...these guys vote Republican:

Police Are Stumped by Attacks on Town's Trees

The vandalism, which began in May, has targeted red oaks, liquidambars, crab apples and Italian alders — some more than 30 feet tall. Then, this month, the defacers struck Windsor's signature tree, a stately, 200-year-old coast live oak that is pictured in the town's logo, town stationery and vehicle decals, as well as the uniform patches of the 17-member Police Department.

On Dec. 11, two dozen low-hanging limbs, some of them eight inches in diameter, were hacked off and left beneath the historic tree. Now the canopy, which once extended to the ground, has been cut back six feet in what officials said resembles a bad haircut.

In other incidents, vandals almost severed the trunks of smaller trees and left them teetering in the wind. Some toppled. Others, located next to a baseball diamond and restroom, were felled by town workers because they posed a hazard.

While they say the historic oak will survive, officials place the value of replacing the fallen trees in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

"These are living things and they have been killed," Mullinax said. "For those that have been injured, they need care, just like a pet."

Real brave act of courage this hacking of trees.

Authorities at first suspected the vandalism was the work of pranksters. But now Chief Day suspects perhaps "a darker motive."

Yeah, and that "darker motive" is to feel like a big, bad culture warrior for the right.

How long till Rush or Hannity or Coulter pick this up and describe it as a bunch of liberals whining about a little pruning?




posted by Tim 7:46 PM

Saturday, January 01, 2005

 
Ain't nothing new about how shitty we can be this new year

He pledged $15 million. Then, in order to appease people, pledged $35 million when he finally spoke, 3 days after the event, 3 days spent at his fucking ranch riding his bike and "clearing brush" (known in other circles as being a douche), and $35 million is nothing.

So now we get $350 million. Thats' more like it, but let's show the world this asshole isn't our man. Donate something. I never have any money and got a bonus from work, so I donated a bit, a tiny bit, but it adds up.

Here's a goo dlist of places to donate, via Slacktavist.

Go to bobharris.com too, he's a good guy.


[oh yeah, "he" is our truly awful prez, if that wasn't clear]




posted by Tim 4:24 PM