Lemme 'splain... 

Nobody knows, What kind of trouble we're in. Nobody seems to think, It all might happen again. [guitar solo!]





My Overflow






Ted Barlow




This Modern World

Talking Points Memo

The Onion



Sisyphus Shrugged


The Poor Man

Nobody Knows

River Tech Review


Thursday, September 30, 2004

Dear Daivd Brooks,

Fuck you.

OK? Fuck you, already.

The "smart" conservative my ass.

You're maybe one step up from the idiots at Fox News, but fuck you.


I could beat him in a debate.

Jesus, he says the same damn things again and again.

Well, I'm no debater but Bush is just dude who can memorize 20 facts and three emotions.

Holy shit. Fox news has some asshole, former Bush aide, saying "this president doesn't need botox, fake tan..." and they gave him about 30 seconds to rant like a fucking head trauma patient, and then for the "counter" opinion they go to some frog-throated chick, who's a Fox political analyst, and she just has some "the Kerry people will be pleased with this debate" or something like that, and only gets about 10 seconds.

Former Bush aid with insane, talk-radio shit flying out his mouth for pro-Bush ("I think he won this debate hands down").

Fox News analyst with lame I think he did pretty good, shit for pro-Kerry.

If anyone ever tells me they sincerely believe Fox News is fair and balanced and objective I'm going to kick their teeth down their throat. I feel the what I just described gives me the legal license, well, moral at least, to do so.


The president seems to think the key to leading the world is to send the right messages.

Does he think he's psyhic?

Oooooh. Bush just lost it again. He said "Oh course I know Osama attacked us! I know that!", like a fucking teenage girl.



Pussy fucktard.


Kerry just said:

"I made a mistake in talking about Iraq, president Bush made a mistake in invading Iraq."

He's kicking the shit out of him.

Ohhhhhh... SHIT!

Kerry got him. Got him riled up. His 30 second response to Bush's response to a question about homeland security broke his concentration. He blurted out a stupid sounding (more stupid than usual), childlike retort.

Kerry's got him. I think he's already won. Unless he fucks up big time he's got him, he's got Bush on the defense, and his only defense is the same old bullshit he always pushes.

Kerry's good. He's a president, not that fucking rotary member standing across from him.

Oh shit, he's come back to the "What kind of message does that send our troops?" line.

Fuck. Tard.


Bush is good. If I were an idiot I'd find his bullshit pretty inspiring.

But Kerry's better. He faltered for about the first 30 seconds of his first question, but he's better, much better.

The first word out of Bush's mouth in response to the first question was, "9-11..."

No shit.

Our president is a fucktard.

For real. An actual, for real fucktard.

god help us if he wins.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

So cute you'll puke.

So my friend who brought his kids to the wedding told me the cutest thing ever yesterday.

Apparently Jerry Seinfeld wrote some kind of children's book and he was poppin in the CD that came with it for his kids to listen to. I don't know exactly what's on the CD, like a performance of his or something, I really didn't understand how my friend was describing it. Let's call him Jones. Jones has a recently acquired nicotine addiction (hey, how many words have I misspelled so far?)- chew- and he was feeling a bit groovy so I didn't get exactly what this CD is. It was a tradition when we'd go hiking up in the cascades to take a dip out on the trail. Why? Because when you have no addictions and don't smoke, taking some disgusting chewing tabacco is like getting on a magic carpet ride to unicorn-alley where the bees make honey out of spun gold and gilded asses. Really. Notice I already acknowledged it's disgusting. But that pony ride... very nice out on the trail, or at a glacial lake that's about 1 degree above freezing. So anyway at the wedding we took some for old times sake and now he's got a really bad, gross habit. I petted the unicorns.

Anyway, he put this CD on for his kids- who are the sweetest, cutest kids ever- and Jerry Seinfeld hadn't spoke 3 sentences when his 3 year-old daughter says,

"Oh that Tim. I love him."

If you're not gushing and screaming "Awwwww" at the top of your lungs then you're dead inside, because that's the cutest thing ever.

OK, see- I'm Tim. Got it? She thought that Jerry Seinfeld was me. Get it? She hears this CD, thinks it's my voice, and says she loves me. Get it? Yeah, let it sink in...

Now scream:


Friday, September 17, 2004


Big, blue funk.

Stay away from amazon reviews, Tim. they depress the hell out of you. The fucking dregs of society, man. People who just love to hate, driven by hate, only thrill they get out of life is feeling superior to the people they hate.

We live in the most fucked up country... I mean, the reason why it's so fucked up is because theoretically it should be super-duper most of the time. Freedom of speech, free press, all that shit. And we got the news cycle dominated by swift boats and "Buckhead" and condolences for Rush's most recent dead hooker fiasco...


Someone convince me we're not staring into the abyss. Please.

Doomed, doomed, doomed.

How long did we live with people saying on TV and in newspapers that Vince Foster was murdered without the media taking a critical look at it?

To this day Paula Jones can still get on TV if she wants to.

Were we inundated with stories about how Whitewater was a bunch of made-up crap once the Ray report was released?

Uh, have you seen anyone on mainstream news say anything remotely like, “All investigations and all available information indicate that indeed Saddam Hussein had no relationship with al Queada in any way, contrary to what the Bush administration has claimed again and again.” No. The best you’ll hear is “Dick Cheney asserted again today that al Queada and Saddam Hussein did have contacts, an assertion critics say is not true”.

Has anyone on TV come out and say anything like, “All of the rationales the Bush administration used as reason to go to war with Iraq have been proved to be false: There were no…” etc.? No!

So why the fuck is Dan Rather’s face on the tube every time I look at it?

Here’s the deal, people: regardless of whether or not those memos are fake or not, #1- they change nothing. No new substantive information is contained in them. #2- you’d have to be the biggest, most deluded asshole in the world to think CBS’s possible fuck-up is proof of some liberal media conspiracy given all the above, and about a million other examples I could come up with.

We’re DOOMED. We stay on this track I guarantee you 50 years from now we will not be a democracy or a republic. Mark my impotent-rage filled words.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004


Proof we're doomed, that is.

Check out some of the 1 star reviews here for porn star Jenna Jameson's biography.

That is the only way I can describe the phenomenon of a porn skank actually putting sentences together. Yeah she did have help but believe me it didn't improve this book any. She totally tries to justify the fact that she is a porn star, as if that would make it any better. Just admit it, you are a two-bit skank who can't do any better. Admit it!!! You'll feel better. She is the green-eyed monster of envy when it comes to REAL actresses or models, you can see it in the way she tries to babble on that Cindy Crawford actually came on to her. What would a gorgeous woman like Ms. Crawford want with a plastic looking floozy like Jenna Jameson? Not a thing. But she tries to make us believe that as well as a lot of other BS in this book. Don't go there.
Way to go, America. You have made a bimbo's book a topseller. Only in America. Why oh why do some people look up to these types of women? Me? I prefer a down-to-earth cutie with big brown eyes and a natural figure. But hey that's just me. I have never found Jenna Jameson to be appealing, and I never will. At least she has improved slightly from the horror she was in Private Parts (the frizzy 80's hair! the bad teeth!) but that's not saying much. I will never understand my fellow man when it comes to this sleazebucket known as Jenna Jameson. But I guess her looks aren't the issue here, it is the horribly written book. HORRIBLE. She is as stupid as she is unattractive. That's the best I can say about her and her book.
If you are completely blinded to the fact that Hollywood degenerates have taken over the media and are now infiltrating the wonderful realm of literature, than be my guest and add to the insult. With genuine authors abound, I suppose it is quite easy to be drawn into a book like this, but just sit and think about it for a minute. I'm going to give money to someone who's only claim to fame is being a drug-addled adult film slave? Is this really important or pertinent to our lives in any salvageable way? Why do we want to know about this filth, just because there's a glossy cover on it and the chance of nudity? Aren't we as humans deserving of so much more. Just go to your library and see all the amazing novels out there, and please realize that this garbage should only be on one list, the list of worst books ever made.

That's on the first page. Guys who waited around until the first day of selling when they opened the comments up so they could be the first to be horribly mysoginistic.

A day late was this guy:

So let me get this straight: Jim Bob and Betty Sue America don't have like any time to read the New York Times or otherwise try to figure out the facts during (a) an election year and (b) our country's continued involvement in an unjust and costly disaster of a war. But they've got the time and the scratch to waste reading about the exploits of a no-talent, clear-heel-wearing porn skank? Bravo, America!

I'm like totally proud to be an American now. Osama, you may have your suicide bombs and your fanatical followers, but we have best-selling biographies of women whose claim to fame is solely based on their ability to handle hundreds of penises without smudging their mascara. You may send out videotapes taunting our inability to catch or stop you, but we have DVD libraries full of oxygen thief beehatches like Jenna Jameson, whose sole talent is being able to look seductively into a camera while being saturated in others' bodily fluids. Osama: you may think you're going to destroy this proud nation. But we're going to beat you to it.

The book? Well, Jenna was raped. And like ALL women who have been raped, she turned to meth, porn, and letting 300 lb. carpet salesmen and drunk frat boys shove one dollar bills in her buttcrack. Totally a triumph of the human spirit, man. And I totally like how Amazon's own review says the book ends on a "family values" kinda theme. I guess spending the better part of a decade coated in reproductive fluid must make you want to actually reproduce! Who knew, right? It's almost like a Lifetime movie, except with breast implants and Peter North.

Ah, well. If your country's headed to hell in a handbasket, you might as well have something to read on the trip. That's worth two stars.

Hey, no argument here about how stupid Americans can be when it comes to being informed, but again, this violent reaction to the book. Why?

There's a few more, I don't want to post them, basically it's all the same thing:

"Whore. Slut. Glorified hooker. A complete waste and there's so many other more important things in this world I thought I'd take time out of my day to write a review in Amazon about how the whore is a waste of space. And also she's somehow responsible for America's moral decline/ignorance. Slut."

I don't know anything about Jenna Jameson except she's a porn star (my collection is all dwarf porn, so...), and frankly I don't care. But what bothers me is this whore/madonna complex just about every other guy out there can't grow out of. So she fucks people on camera for money? So what? I get fucked by "the man" every day.

OK, I can understand thinking that that sort of promiscuity is immoral and/or bad. But why the violent hatred? Where does this vitriolic disgust come from? She's not robbing banks or pushing over statues of Jesus, she's having sex.

Why do so many men hate "the whore"? Why is it such a passionate issue for them?

Was it because I slept with their moms and they walked in? Could be.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Holy crap.

Perfect. Just perfect.

General Motors Corp.'s uber-sport utility, the Hummer, has been the biggest and baddest passenger truck on the US market to date, but it may soon be getting some outsized competition in the form of the CXT.

Modeled after commercial haulage trucks and dump trucks, the CXT will be the world's biggest production pick-up truck when it goes on sale later this year, its makers said Monday.

We deserve to be doomed. Jebus Cripes. What a country of dumbass hicks we are.

[S]aid Rob Swim, a spokesman for International Truck and Engine Corporation. "If you brought this truck to the playground, you'd be king of the dirt pile."

Thanks, jackass. Feel free to fall off a cliff.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

An open letter to my neighbors.

My room is right above the laundry room and when you dry your clothes with freaking fabric softener I can't put my fan in my window because the air is filled with your freaking caustic chemicals. Don't you know fabric softener is the biggest lie of the last century?

Yeah, the wedding euphoria has worn off.

This awful chick and her awful husband who live in my building hate me for some reason. I mean HATE. The other day I'm at my window, there's some kids having a water balloon fight outside, and I hear this caustic, hateful bitch saying "Hit that one! Hit that one right there! Hit that one!" -Splat!- "Thanks."

She told the kids to hit my car with a water balloon. Bizarre.

The day before I was walking out onto our balcony to sand a piece of furniture and she pulls up (their parking space is below our balcony). I backed out of the doorway for a second thinking maybe I should do it on the back porch, she thought I was going back in and I hear her say to her passenger, but really loudly, "There goes the hater!" I walked back out right after she said that, and she was looking up at me and then tried to pretend she wasn't talking about me.


I think this all goes back to the time a friend of hers parked in our parking space for about 3 hours. With nowhere to park I parked behind her car. When her friend came out (I didn't know who it was at the time, people do this shit all the time) I walked down as she (the horrible wench) was saying "This fucking asshole parked behind you". I said "We wish you wouldn't park in our spot like that, we've got two cars and it's hard to find parking."

"She didn't know it was your spot!"

"OK, well don't park there again for so long because-"

"She didn't know it was your spot!"

Her friend, who weighed about 300 pounds (I'm not making fun, I'm serious) was saying "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was your spot", in this really weird, high-pitched voice that made me think she might be mildly retarded or learning disabled, at least (I'm not making fun, I'm serious). Anyway, my point was that she and the awful woman knew it was someone's spot, and of course they both knew that someone (other than themselves) was paying for that spot, so they shouldn't park there for 3 hours like it's their spot to park in. It's just rude. I said something like "well, you knew it was someone's spot and-"

"She didn't know it was your spot! She's not going to do it again!"

So now she tells kids to throw water balloons at my car. I was so bewildered when she did that I didn't get up and ask her "Why'd you tell that kid to throw a balloon at my car?" I wish I would have. I'd like to know.

Oh yeah, also this guy would come over and visit his baby's momma all the time and every time there was an empty space in our parking spot he'd park there. In fact he'd only park in our spot, no where else. The first couple of times he was prompt about getting out of there when we'd pull up and honk (not knowing who it was at first), or when someone would need to leave (there's room for two cars in a line, he'd park behind us too) but then after 2 or 3 times he just started taking his own damn time coming down and leaving when he felt like it. Sometimes it would be 2 or 3 minutes, once when I asked him to move his car ahead of the time I needed him gone he took 10 minutes coming down. 2 minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's our spot and again, it's rude to do that, not to mention inconveniencing when it's 11 o'clock at night and my wife is coming home from school and has to honk and wake up people to get that asshole to move... three minutes later.

So I went up to the apartment he comes to visit and asked if he was there. The woman said no so I explained to her that he was parking in our spot every time he comes over, using it like he's got some sort of right to use it, and taking his time when we're down there waiting for him to move, so tell him not to park there any more because it's our spot, we pay for it, and he's worn out his welcome with his inconsiderate behaviour. I made sure to let her know we don't really mind if someone parks there when they just need to run into the building or whatever and there's nowhere to park on the street, but this guy was parking in our spot just as if it's his spot to use, and it ain't.

Just in case I started parking with the butt of my car out so when my wife comes home she pulls my car up and then parks behind me. So one night I come home about 10:30 and knowing it's only going to be a half hour before my wife comes home, I just pull all the way in. I'm getting out of my car, getting some stuff, and here comes that asshole and his baby's momma starting to pull in behind my car. He sees me so he veers off and instead goes to the other end of our building. Asshole! It was just like 3 nights before when I went up there and talked to her, she's with him, and here they are ready to park in our spot again. Ass. Holes

A half hour later my wife comes home, I'm inside the apartment not knowing she's home, and she's getting her stuff our of the trunk of her car. At that time the baby's momma leaves the asshole's car and the asshole backes up his car so that he's now on the street, but directly behind my wife. She glances behind her and thinks nothing of it (she didn't realize it was him). She's digging around for a few moments and realizes the car is still behind her. She turns again, a little weirded out because it is 11 o'clock at night and our street, while basically OK, would be considered completely ghetto by anyone not used to LA. She turns and looks and it's the asshole and he's staring her down. He's sitting there in his running car staring at my wife, giving her a menacing look while she gets her stuff. She's just bewildered and gets the rest of her stuff and turns to go into the building as he continues to stare her down, and then finally drives off.

What kind of fuck does that? What kind of miserable man-child thinks it's OK to stare down a woman by herself at 11 o'clock at night?

She knew who it was so she didn't exactly think she was in danger, but she doesn't know the guy, doesn't know anything about him except he's the asshole who uses our parking space like it's his own and that he's the asshole who felt it was wise to back up and give her a intimidating stare, so in no way does this all work out to be OK.

And this guy is a semi-big black guy with dreads who's been around our building at times drunk, talking nonsense to his daughter and the other neighbor kids. I'm not saying being black has anything to do with him being an asshole, just that imagine if he did that shit to some wealthy, white housewife in Beverly Hills or a soccer mom in Pasadena. Whatever ethnicity you are you should know it's not OK for a man to do that to a woman in that context, but fuck, this is LA! The Beverly Hills housewife would have called the cops and they beat up black guys all the time for doing absolutely nothing!

Anyway, so the other day that guy parks behind the horrible bitch woman (I'm not making fun, she's a really awful person, just listening to her bitch at her kids makes you cringe). And I guess in order to bond and show how they're so not like us, they all start ripping on me and my wife for being such assholes about our parking spot. Just more bizarre hatred toward me and my woman.

I don't get any of this. In all my dealings with all my neighbors I've always been polite. Even when asking them to move their car I've been calm and reserved and polite. I think the thing is they got it in their head that if you don't make friends with them you hate them. We don't. Well, we do now, but before they starting talking shit about us, bitching about us constantly, and constantly giving us shitty looks and water balloons, etc., we really didn't give a crap about them one way or another. We'd be polite and say "hi" with a smile, but all we ever got was glowering back.

Part of this is because we're white and 90-95%% of our neighborhood is central and south American. Well I know it is for the awfulawfulawful woman because I've heard refer to us as "those white assholes" and such many times. It's really only that couple, but basically everyone they talk with they'll constantly bitch about us being white assholes and "haters". Basically they try to get anyone they can to hate us too. I don't think they hate us because we're white, I think they hate us because they think we look down on them because they're Guatemalan. Basically she thinks we're racists, I believe, and hates us for it.

Whatever. The thing about living in LA is I've really learned what racism is. Whenever I hear a conservative or libertarian tell me there's no such thing as racism, as in institutional racism, but instead only individuals committing racist acts (so therefore racism isn't a problem, people's individual choices are, and there's nothing you can do about racism except ask people not to act racist- pretty fucking convenient for the essentially overtly racists GOP, huh?) I want to fucking beat them with a rubber hose. Individual racist acts aren't th problem.

Being white I can relate to you that for some non-white people it takes them about two seconds, one misplaced glance, one imperfect utterance, to decide you're a racist, and that for them you're stuck being a racist till the day you die. I can also tell you that some white people take any imperfection they see in non-white individuals or statistics as proof that when they're being horribly racist they're not being racsists, they're just telling it like it is.

That shit isn't natural. You have to be taught to think like that. Prejudice is natural and individual racism is always going to be with us, but that awful bitch plugging into this weird dynamic where I'm a haterwhiteasshole, that's something she's learned because we've done nothing to deserve it. Maybe that black guy thinks we're racists too. Maybe that's what he does and he felt OK staring down my wife because she's just not a woman married to a guy who asked him to not park in their space, she's a racist who was being racist to him, so it's kind of righteous that he stared her down? Fuck, I don't know.

What I do know is it's really, really easy to get stuck into a fucked up dynamic without doing anything to deserve it. If I was some kind of an asshole I'd say that bitch cow crapface woman was racist because she says stuff like "that white asshole". Being smarter than that I know I'm not an overweight, poorly educated, poor dark-skinned woman with 2 kids who will never have a decent job and never be respected by people above her economic class. In other words, when you shake it out on a real world basis I come out on top: A white male with a college degree. She's decided I'm a white asshole who hates brown people and there's nothing I can do about that. If we had some sort of contest the neighborhood kids would throw a rock through my window for her before they'd throw one through hers for me. Boo-hoo.

What's sad here isn't that I'm being picked on and singled out, what's sad here is that they're almost right to do it. Everything they've got centers around neighborhoods like mine- crowded, poor and full of recent immigrants. In five years I won't be here, or if I am it'll probably be filled up with hipsters and artists "revitalizing" the neighborhood- in other words pushing all the poor brown people out. I think that shitcrapcrap lady just resents us for not trying to fit in, or something, probably knowing we don't have to fit in because this is more transitional for us than it is for her and her husband, living with 2 kids in an apartment smaller than ours. So having a kid throw a water balloon at my car makes sense to her. Realistically speaking, that hatred and the whole "they hate brown people" thing is all she's got, that's all the power she's got.

I'm not making any sort of judgement on that, really. It's obvious I think she's a bitch and an awful person, I'm just not going to pretend we're on the same level. If I was a racist, by that I mean the cliche of just hating or thinking less of other ethnicities in general, her prejudice toward me would never be the same as mine toward her. They're not the same thing because because poor brown people don't have any power. So, I don't take it personally. She wants to hate me as the asshole white man-- sure, whatever. It's too bad. We should be able to hate each other (or respect each other) on equal terms.

It's a fucked up world and, more importantly, a fucked up country. Everyone ought to have roughly the same shot, but if you're poor, brown, and live in my neighborhood, I guarantee come public high school graduation time, you're going to be waaaay behind.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

yep. more.

So I brought my camcorder as a last minute thought and gave it to my friend's dad to record the ceremony. I just captured most of it and he didn't get the vows. Wasn't really his fault, well, a little bit of it was, but mostly it's just because I had to set everything to full auto and he really didn't exactly know what he was doing- but I still do appreciate it and he got some good stuff. Anyway, the vows were missed pretty much, most of my wife's (WIFE) was cut off and the beginning of mine, where I'm just trying to compose myself because I almost completely lost it what she said to me and the first thing I said, and then the audio of course was picking up the kids doing a little bit of kid talk...

But that's OK. I was afraid to watch it, really. It was so incredible and so, fuck, it was transcendant, but now they're gone, lost in the air, and that's kind of poetic.

The best things in life are free.


I just had a few more things to say about getting married. I feel a little odd writing them down here because this is mostly just a dump for the occasional fury-filled thoughts I have, but I feel compelled to put them out there somewhere.

I've never experienced anything like this last weekend. I've never been so filled with good feelings for so long, reinforced so much so often. I was in a love-puddle all weekend and it was amazing. And it wasn't anything special, really. It was just everyone getting together and not having to deal with family stuff. My friend brought his two kids, 5 and 3, and man oh man, what kids. So incredibly cute and fun and just filled with love for each other and their parents and everyone else. Completely free of pretense, or cynicism, or paranoia. We went to Lake Coeur D'Alene the next day (the wedding was in Spokane, WA) and everyone except my wife's father could come. I went swimming with my friend's kids and man, it was just incredible. You would not believe these kids. So much fun.

Me and my wife weren't putting anything on, something just came over us and... when I say the vows blew everyone away I mean it. Absolutely incredible. Neither one of us held anything back, we just completely bared ourselves to each other in front of our families. That's totally out of character for both of us. I was trembling when she walked down the aisle. I wasn't nervous, I just could barely handle it, it was so intense and complete, it was the most incredible experience of my life.

And I guess I'm rambling about it because I don't think this is normal. I don't think we had a regular wedding. I've seen plenty and I've never caught a glimpse of something like what happened to us. Frankly I don't know what happened. I feel like this is the sort of experience I'd have if I went out on a vision quest or something. You know, starve myself and hike out into the middle of a forest or the desert or something and just wait. Already I can barely remember it because it was so other-worldly, but I hope I can keep on feeling it forever, man.


Best. Wedding. Ever.

I've been to maybe about 30 weddings either as a guest or assisting my brother, the wedding photographer (mostly the latter), and our wedding was without a doubt the best one I've ever been to. I'm not just saying that or thinking that cuz it was me, everyone who went who expressed an opinion (without solicitation) said it was the best, the caterer felt compelled to tell my wife it was the best she's ever been to- twice- it was the best.

We're number 1!

There was only about 30 people or so, it was in a garden, it was casual, we didn't put on a big show and plow through all the traditional things you're supposed to have to do that just really detract from the whole coming together vibe, everyone was freaking blown away by the vows we said to eachother (as was I- seriously, it was amazing), the food was great, the music was great (both the mix that we made to play during eating, etc., and the song her mom sanf accompanied by guitar and the guitar playing during the bride's walk up- her mom and stepdad and bluegrass/old cowboy music/folk musicians), everyone was happy to be there, the ceremony was short but shone like a freaking magnesium flare...

Best weekend of my life. Best wedding ever. Best bride ever. Me? I could use some work.

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